*this story may be triggering. please respect your body and know when to take a break from reading.*
who’d have known my life would be altered with just four words
"lets play a game"
i should’ve known something wasn’t right
when you unbuttoned your jeans
and told me to do the same.
when i said no,
you became insistent
and me, afraid.
i screamed;
but you shushed me
and promised bubble gum if i listened;
i really loved bubble gum --
funny how its a trigger now
where was daddy?
you put parts of your body inside mine
and did things you demanded i never tell
when your tongue forced a hug with mine,
i cried
because ‘stop’ and ‘get off me’ stopped meaning ‘stop’ and ‘get off me’
where was daddy?
and why couldn’t he hear me crying?
—
its been fifteen years
and the memory has finally become scar;
not without a price:
attempted suicide,
prescribed meds;
this memory was melanin on my bones
i couldn’t change a diaper or give my brother a bath
without being brought back to that bedroom.
middle school was the worst;
changing in front of all those girls
and not knowing if they, too, would touch me
—
listen
i don’t know if you’re still alive
if you're a mother,
are behind bars,
are changing the world
or you’re waiting for me to say it --
not because time heals all,
not because it was okay,
not because you were family;
but because this God I know extends radical grace
and asks that I do the same:
i forgive you
if the reason you knew to do the things you did
were because they first happened to you,
i hope you’ll come to forgive them
as i am you
this God, though, is in the business of making all things new,
including my memories,
and yours.
and so I hope you’ll come to find life
knowing there’s a God who will bring freedom.
it's hard as hell, becoming free, but i wish this for you.
only by grace,
raygen samone
