*this story may be triggering. please respect your body and know when to take a break from reading.*
who’d have known my life would be altered with just four words
"lets play a game"
i should’ve known something wasn’t right
when you unbuttoned your jeans
and told me to do the same.
when i said no,
you became insistent
and me, afraid.
but you shushed me
and promised bubble gum if i listened;
i really loved bubble gum --
funny how its a trigger now
where was daddy?
you put parts of your body inside mine
and did things you demanded i never tell
when your tongue forced a hug with mine,
because ‘stop’ and ‘get off me’ stopped meaning ‘stop’ and ‘get off me’
where was daddy?
and why couldn’t he hear me crying?
its been fifteen years
and the memory has finally become scar;
not without a price:
this memory was melanin on my bones
i couldn’t change a diaper or give my brother a bath
without being brought back to that bedroom.
middle school was the worst;
changing in front of all those girls
and not knowing if they, too, would touch me
i don’t know if you’re still alive
if you're a mother,
are behind bars,
are changing the world
or you’re waiting for me to say it --
not because time heals all,
not because it was okay,
not because you were family;
but because this God I know extends radical grace
and asks that I do the same:
i forgive you
if the reason you knew to do the things you did
were because they first happened to you,
i hope you’ll come to forgive them
as i am you
this God, though, is in the business of making all things new,
including my memories,
and so I hope you’ll come to find life
knowing there’s a God who will bring freedom.
it's hard as hell, becoming free, but i wish this for you.
only by grace,